OMG, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY

Imagine coming home from work, and finding your five year old kid crying in pain, because someone just raped them, what would you do?

*Teacher Onesmus was the kind of person you would find hard to describe..it’s true, some people are so easy to describe, at least physically. A majority of us are very tall, or very short, extremely dark skinned, extremely light skinned, and having a large, flat nose, loud mouthed, big round eyes…you get the drift. You wouldn’t describe Onesmus by any of the above words.

We’ve never worked together, but he was teaching at a school near where I was working (long before I became a teacher). He kept mostly to himself, and seemed not to have many friends. In my girlie mind, I often wondered whether he had the confidence to ask a girl out..!

Then I left that place. I  had a friend who was working with Onesmus, and one time she gave me a story about Onesmus. A story that has  inspired what am writing about today.

You see, in the school that Onesmus  teaching, a pupil refused to report to school on the opening day. The boy’s parents tried to talk him into accepting to go to school, but he wouldn’t budge. It’s after they threatened to beat him up that he decided to talk.

 Apparently, Onesmus, who resided at school would call some of the boys to his house, where he gave them sweets and sexually molest them after threatening them if they breathed a word. He did this to a number of boys.. An investigation was done and it was found  that what the boys were claiming was true. Their teacher had molested them on occasion.

I don’t know what happened to the case with the boys, but I later met him near the school I currently teach. He was teaching at a neighbouring school. I haven’t seen him for quite a while, but the last I heard of him, he had been transferred to several schools after molesting children. Here’s my point, sexual molestation of children is real. The worst bit is that it is not done by people who are completely strange to them. Child molesters are not dirty disheveled haggard looking people. Children are molested by people they know. Mostly people with a physical, or “leadership” advantage over them. Most children are molested by close relatives, teachers, neighbours they trust or spiritual leaders

Signs your kid is possibly being molested

1.       The kid becomes withdrawn all of a sudden. For no reason

2.       They start to wet the bed (I will repeat here again, bed wetting in grown children is a basic sign of stress. Follow that up)

3.       They no longer wants to be bathed, they insist on doing it themselves.

4.       Whenever being bathed, they grimace in pain especially when being washed their private parts

5.       When the molester comes around, the kid leaves, or if they were happily playing with the rest, they stop and may coil up at a corner.

6.       They stop using a certain route to school or church or to the market and they hesitate to give a reason why.

7.       They change their walking style. They may start walking with their feet farther apart than normal

8.       They refuse to talk with the molesters. If a child out of nowhere changes the way they interact with certain people, you might wanna find out why

9.       They say they don’t want to go to that home, or that school, or that church, and they seem irritable when you push to find out why

10.   They seem abnormally close to a certain grown up.. you can know when a grown up seems to be touching or playing with them inappropriately.

11.   You think that someone may be molesting them. Trust your instincts.

12.   A drop in academic performance, especially if you cannot put a finger to the cause

Precautions

1.       Do not leave your children with people you don’t trust

2.       Don’t let kids go to school, the shop, church or neighbors’ house entirely on their own

3.       Have activities that your children can engage in at the house, so they don’t get bored and wander to the neighborhood

4.       Build trust between yourself and your kid. Let them trust you to share issues with you, without fear of admonition

5.       Dress kids, especially young girls, like kids. Mothers, let’s stop dressing our daughters like little women. There’s no excuse, or reason for a man to molest a kid or anyone sexually, not dressing, not anything, but please, let’s play our role, there are twisted minds out there

6.       Tell your children the dangers they can come across as children. Encourage them to tell you if any one behaves in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable. Prevention is better than cure.

7.       Train kids basic defense skills like screaming or the groin kick.

8.       Your children should know your telephone number off head and the police hotline. Let them also have the number of a trusted neighbor.

9.       Don’t let individuals with questionable behavior or past hang around your kids. Am talking about people with a criminal record, even if shop lifting, drug users or violent people, even if these people are close relatives

What to do

If you suspect there is something going on or about to go wrong…(in no particular order)..

1.       Talk to your kid. Let them know that no one has a right to take advantage of them. Sometimes because of the threats they’ve received from their molesters, a child may be too scared to say. Be friendly, take them out for ice cream or something, then as you spend the time together, talk to them

2.       Investigate. Follow them one time after school, and try to find out what they are doing and with whom

3.       If you already suspect who could be doing this to them, have them investigated. Or you can do it yourself. Ask around if you are not sure. People know stuff..

4.       Take your kid for a medical examination. Sometimes if physical molestation may not have happened already, you can the take the kid to a children’s counselor.

5.       Call the police. However, you should only do this when you have enough evidence..

Important

1.       Most kids are molested by people they look up to, so don’t assume that your child is completely safe with anyone apart from yourself. Even some house helps molest children

2.       This article is not about putting fear in you or making you not trust people with your child. It’s about looking out, and knowing that things happen.

YOUNG MAN, WHERE'S DADDY?

Yesterday, 25^th January, we’d a new student was admitted to Form three in our school. And yes, you guessed right, he came with his mommy! Got me thinking.. I thought of the time in a previous blog I had promised to talk about the role of the father.

Let me illustrate-

*John’s mother (not his real name) comes to me in tears and tells me that I should watch after her son because the boy is disturbed after the father says he wants nothing to do with him.

Linda, a domestic help pays school fees for her children by herself, though their father is alive and well

When Felix is sent home for school fees even when the parents have given him the depository cheque, it’s his mother who comes to school to find out what happened

Victor is no longer doing well in class, and it’s his mother who makes a call to my house to discuss her son’s performance

My phonebook has the numbers of most parents of kids in my class and I think I have the phone numbers of two fathers. I am talking about almost twenty parents!

Some fathers are so out of touch that when they come home, the kids scatter in all directions

FATHERS' DON'TS 1.    Ignore our children and make them feel that they are insignificant. 2.    Hit and yell at your children so that their lives are frightening and unpredictable. 3.    Hit your children's mother. 4.    Make excuses for children's misbehaviour and teach them to be irresponsible. 5.    Criticize your children so that they lose self confidence. 6.    Promise to do something with your children and then don't show up. 7.    Humiliate your children in front of their friends. 8.    Abuse the  referee in the match they are playing and scream how stupid he is, so that your children will learn not to respect authority and fair play. 9.    Show your children how to drink too much and laugh when they get drunk. 10.  Give your kids too many things and not enough of your time. 11.  Let your kids watch any TV they want because it is easier than doing things with them. 12.  Demand your children to be more mature than they can be and become impatient and hostile when they fail. 13.  Treat the women in our lives with disrespect. 14.  Pit one child against another so that all feel poorly about themselves. 15.  Badmouth teachers and wonder why our children have no respect. 16.  Teach them how to get away with mischief. 17.  Bully others and teach our children how to be cruel and mean. 18.  Be in your child’s live only when it is convenient for you. FATHERS' DOS 1.    Fathers should love their children. They should be a constant presence in every part of their lives. They should tell their children stories, so that they learn language and who they are. 2.    They should tease them lovingly, so they don't take themselves too seriously and can deal with real world teasing. Rough house with them and tickle them, so that they learn their physical side. 3.    Throw them up into the air and teach them to trust you will catch them every time. Carry them on your shoulders so that they can see the world. 4.    Wipe their noses and take them to the hospital when they break an arm. Expect a lot of them, so that they learn that they can do things. 5.    Teach them to respect their moms. 6.    Believe in your kids and give them confidence that they can do anything. Drive them to hockey, baseball, soccer, rugby, and swimming. 7.    Demand that they respect their teachers and coaches and show them how to question rather than show blind trust. 8.    Show your kids how to treasure friends and how to respect each person as an individual. Be are honest and caring in the family and show the kids how to relate to others 9.    Encourage each child in the things they are good at. Marvel at their accomplishments. 10.  Laugh with them and teach them the joy of life. What type of father do you strive to be? * All the stories I give are true, but the names of people involved are imaginary.

A BOY NAMED DENNIS

I will start with a story, a true story.

Dennis, (not his real name) is one of the students we admitted in Form one three years ago. He was the youngest in the class…ok, he still is! Dennis was bright, having joined the school with good marks (if your kid scored more than three hundred marks in KCSE, congratulations, that’s a bright kid!!!).

In Form One, he was impressive, very impressive..Always among the top five in exams. He was made a class prefect in Form Two. I suggested it, because he was bright, articulate and seemed to understand most out-of-the-ordinary issues most of his classmates wouldn’t.

He did a good job representing and administering the class at first, well because somewhere in second term of Form Two, the boy changed. He became chatty, defensive and his grades dropped. In fact at that time he only seemed to get mediocre grades, which had me concerned as he had lots of potential. I tried talking to him… nothing. Soon the other boys in the class started to complain that he was the biggest noise maker, and that he had become rude. He barely survived Form Two. (‘survived’ because he had not yet committed an offence to warrant a suspension or expulsion from school). At first I thought it was his young age, and that once in Form three he’d be all grown up and would start acting more maturely.

Dennis did not change while in Form three and we wanted to strip him of his class responsibility. I talked to him, and we gave him a second chance after he promised to change. But things got worse. That same week he was caught; having stolen money from his desk mate. He was given a two-week suspension, after which he came back to school with his mother. (I don’t know whether it’s by coincidence or design, but when kids are sent home because of indiscipline and have to come back with their parents, I can say that 90% come back with their mothers.. )I also don’t understand why the fathers stay away, is it because they are very busy or they want nothing to do with their misbehaving kid? It’s something I will need to address at a later post.

So after talking with the boy for quite sometime, (at first he didn’t want to open up), we realized that he stole the money from his friend to buy drugs. Can you believe that? The mother was shaken, she wouldn’t control her tears. She couldn’t believe that her little boy had started to take drugs. He opened up about lots of things his mother had no idea were going on. We grilled him again and again and again.. till he said exactly when he’d had his first puff of marijuana, when he sniffed cocaine and the first time he sipped alcohol.

It all started when his parents told him not to be traveling all the way to the coast where they stay, during school holidays. They instead instructed him to be staying with an uncle at a nearby town. It’s here – uncle’s home that he got into bad company and started taking drugs. That was an aha! moment for me.. I now could put a finger to the genesis of all this chattiness and defensiveness. Apparently, the uncle had a worker who used to take drugs, and it is he who introduced to his young nephew drug taking. We counseled him and talked also to the mother about the importance of staying with her growing kids. The boy stopped going to his uncle’s, stopped taking drugs and now in form four he is the best student in his class. He wants to be a lawyer later in life, and he will be.

My point is: -

1   Take every opportunity to know what your kid is up to. Whom are they hanging out with? Are they kids with good morals

2.      For heaven’s sake, if possible stay with them during the holidays, don’t leave them with relatives or friends for too long. If you have to, explain to the friend or relative what you normally expect of them (the kids), and that they should expect nothing less.

3.       When you’re with them, watch them closely. Watch out for any change in behavior, you don’t have to be dark-glassed FBI, but keep your eyes wide open

4.       Plan your kid’s holiday and weekends realistically, involve them, ask what they’d like, and make them explain their choices. Then you can cancel out, together with them what you think will not benefit them

5.         Tell them to bring their friends home.. for a play date maybe. Then you can approve or disapprove of their behaviour (kids do what their friends do)

6.       Discuss with them their dreams and aspirations. Be interested.

7.       Ask them how school was, what’s their favourite subject, teacher, and why..

8.       Don’t drink in their presence, don’t swear, even if some rude driver overlaps you, or the tout has refused to return your change

9.       Do not talk negatively of their teachers or other people in their presence. You want them to grow up respecting others..

10.   PRAY, and PLAY with them. You build their trust, they can call you friend, and friends tell all.

Just remember that what your kid becomes later in life, IT’S UP TO YOU, AS A PARENT.

Happy parenting…!!!

WHY I WILL NOT HANG MYSELF

WHY I WILL NOT HANG MYSELF..

Hello, thank you for taking time to look at this.

I am a teacher, for those of you who do not know and have probably been wondering. I have mostly been reluctant to mention it- that am a teacher, and here’s why;

You see I never wanted to become a teacher. It was my parents’ idea..trust me, being me, I obviously resisted by all means. But then these are my parents we’re talking about, so I could only resist that much. The reason I never wanted to become a teacher was because I wanted to e something else. I had even been offered a very good job by the time I decided to go back to college and do education. According to me, I was “doing it for my father”. Dumb, huh? I thought so too. Years later, I can now proudly say I didn’t make the wrong choice, or rather they didn’t make the wrong decision for me.

At first I was this person who’d just drag my feet in a tiresome shuffle to work, shuffle between classes and shuffle again back home at the end of the day. But then when I realized I had a job to do and my attitude would only make life harder, I decided to take on the challenge head on. I started to go to work early, become more interactive with students and joke with colleagues at work. Things changed, I started to appreciate my work, and at the same time I started to see results, the fruits of my labor – don’t get ideas, I am not talking money here. You know how the situation for most teachers the world over is, moneywise. We were brought up believing that teachers are paid only 800 shillings!

The other day I read in the newspapers that a teacher took his life because apparently his school had performed poorly in the national exam. Teachers in Kenya are looked down upon, not only by our employer, but by our students and the parents. Unlike him, here’s why I will not commit suicide---- We mostly have lessons at seven o’clock all week days. We have special tuition for weak students every evening from seven to eight. Every Saturday, we have remedial classes up to four. All this is besides the normal class time within the week up to four. I am not trying to say that we make our students pass. What am saying is that we DO OUR BEST, sometimes at the cost of spending time with our own children. We normally want your child to pass, to do well. We talk with them, we counsel them..we do all we can. I personally will not hang myself like that teacher who did, because I have seen young boys change because I took time and listened to them I took time and counseled them.

I have witnessed a boy turn from drug taking to responsible, hard working humble boy, whose parents are proud of, because I took TIME. It’s not academic performance that bothers me most, but what kind of adults we’re brooding. I have seen a girl become a pharmacist, and coming back to thank me for changing her attitude towards sciences. That, makes me feel good, feel happy, it adds days to my life, something no amount of money can do. No one can be able to quantify financially the sacrifices a teacher makes to bring up young people. Some have been rejected at home by their own parents and we are here to comfort them. The other day a mother broke down in tears, telling me how the husband would have nothing to do with their son because the kid is ‘not doing well academically’. Of course she didn’t go home with the boy to give him hope. I will keep following him up, encouraging him and playing that role of the mother. God give me the strength and grace.

The reason I have decided to write this is especially because I have seen people crack jokes, even on twitter about Kenyan teachers. Even #Kenyanteacher is trending on twitter. One of the people I respect and follow on twitter even posted that he started to learn when he left school. How many things have you learned in school?

Before you start baying for a teacher’s blood because of poor performance of your kid in an exam, ask yourself whether as a parent you have done your part of the deal (I will discuss parental role in a different post). My students are delightful, most of the parents understand and have taken up their role well. I get satisfaction fro doing what I do, and that’s why I WILL NOT HANG MYSELF!

MAID OH MAID, WHY?

MAID OH MAID...WHAT HATH THOU BROUGHT IN MY HOUSE

In a today's world, women have taken up challenges to emancipate
themselves from the york of being "full house wives". More and more
females are geared to ascending the ladder of attaining higher
educational statuses. But at the same time, family also demands its own
challenges.


In an attempt to balance the two equations, many women have taken to
picking up maids as their aid to some other household chores, such as
cookery, laundry, cleaning the house and tending to their infants as
well as their children if any. But what is the price?


According to 3rd degree investigators in South Africa and Zambia branch,
they argue that 13 out of every 20 working females have a maid or a
servant of some sort at home.


Further, 3rd Degree reports that, child tending by maids is as common
and normal just like other duties maids perform.


However, one sad report noted was that, "in one of the household in
central Lusaka , a couple was having problems at home with their first
child.

The lad was only 9 months old but was already becoming a sickler kind of
child. He was in and out of hospital much to the anguish and torment of
the new parents.

One afternoon, the mother decided to see a private doctor, who upon
doing a thorough  medical check up, decided to ask for the consent of
the parents if he could be allowed to carry out an HIV/AIDS test for the
child, to which the parents obliged.

A test showed that the new infant was positive with HIV 3+ the worst and
most devastating of the 3 HIV viruses so far discovered. It is believed
to be transmitted and propelled through infection and re-infections.

N.B It is the reason as to why medics advise couples to use condoms even
if  both are infected so as to reduce  re- infections which is more
strenuous even for the ARV's to contain as the cells are weakened more
and more due to a continued HIV load.

The mother took offence in this however, obliged and demanded that her
hubby be tested too. She could not hide her emotions and blasted at her
husband as being responsible for the illness that has be fallen the
house.

However, the man remained calm and said that he too, was surprised that
their baby was HIV+ but assured the woman that he was not an infidel and
was faithful to his marriage vows but this fell on deaf ears.

And so it was that tests were carried out on the couple luckily none of
the two was positive. They were both negative and healthy. They went to
3 other test centres but the results continued showing negative.

This brought about a mis-understanding between the wife and the Doctor.
However, a calm elderly doctor asked if at all there was any other
person living with them at home and indeed they said they had a maid.

The doctor asked them to be very cautious with her and that she should
be brought to the clinic without disclosing any information for he
thought he could handle her properly.

That too was done, the maid was brought to the doctor, who as always,
with patience and objectivity, counseled the maid and asked her if he
could carry out the blood tests on her including HIV/AIDS to which she
consented.

The tests showed HIV 3+ on her. Meaning she had been infected and
re-infected time and again. He asked her, in the absence of the couple,
how well she kept the baby.

The maid willingly said, at times the baby would cry a lot and so
hopelessly refuse the feeding bottle, she would feel for the child and
since she loved him, she would then breast feed the child upon which the
child would stop crying and fall asleep. And that continued for a long
time.

It was at this juncture that the doctor discovered the 'roots' of the
child's sickness.

He called the couple counseled them and informed them of the situation.
The woman could not help weeping and wailing so much so that, the hate
for the maid was all over her face. Though she had promised not to beat
the maid, it was only the power of her husband and the doctor that saved
the maid from receiving 'hard blows'.

After some weeks and after the child had died, the husband decided to go
to see the doctor and thank him for his professional skills in respect
to how he discovered and handled the whole thing.

Out of curiosity, during the conversion, the man asked how the doctor
figured out that it could be a third party involved with the illness of
their child.

The doctor calmly explained that, he had a similar incidenct occurring
before, that was even worse in that, besides the baby, one couple had
even two other children aged 3 and 5 getting infected because, their
maid was in the habit of using toothbrushes belonging to the kids.

The very first thing she would do when she reported for work, was to
clean up herself and take the courtesy of using free toothpaste but
since she always forgot to buy herself a toothbrush, she would settle
for any of the two toothbrushes around, unfortunately , which belonged
to the other two children. She would then take them on the routine
clean- ups before going to school.

Sadly though, she had bruises in her mouth and immediately she finished
brushing her teeth she straight away put the toothpaste on the brush and
hurriedly gave the child to brush his teeth as well. This was done in an
attempt to meet her time target of getting the kids to school in time,
giving no time for the toothbrush to dry up.

Whoops! The man vowed never to employ the maid, if he should employ one
in future, he prayed for the passionate educated of the maids before
hiring them. Never take maids for granted. Take precautions and counsel
your maids in all areas or you would cry foul.

You just never know what goes on at home...you spend most of your day
time during week - days at work, not so? So please try to educate your
maid. It's important, very important. Least your child is breastfed or
someone using your, and your child's toothbrush.

                        MAID OH MAID....WHY YOU?

MOVE ON!

Hey,

Thanks for taking time to read this!
You've probably had a bad day at work..school, home, on the road
May be you're in a bad mood or there's someone you're unhappy with right now.
Am here to tell you that you are normal, really! It only goes to show that both you and I are living in the same planet.
Let me illustrate something here...about a month ago I had a spat with a secretary at a certain office. It's some forms I wanted and she did not seem keen to get them for me. I was to beat some deadline and her reluctance to cooperate had me pissed off big time. I created a scene..they wanted to call the security on me but  I wouldn't budge. No one was listening to me and I felt like banging the woman's head on her computer!
I stopped and looked at myself and wondered why on earth I was wasting my time with people who did not understand the content of my dreams. I could after all get the same, if not better services at a different institution. Though it cost me (I didn't bribe anyone), I stormed out and left the forms, and went to a different institution.

That got me thinking - why do we waste time with things when we can get better services elsewhere? Why waste time in bad relationships (not just man/woman), when we can let go and be happy?
I hope your 2012 becomes the year you will let go of bad relationships, bad habits, bad eating habits, embrace helpful relationships, habits and MOVE ON!