A BOY NAMED DENNIS

I will start with a story, a true story.

Dennis, (not his real name) is one of the students we admitted in Form one three years ago. He was the youngest in the class…ok, he still is! Dennis was bright, having joined the school with good marks (if your kid scored more than three hundred marks in KCSE, congratulations, that’s a bright kid!!!).

In Form One, he was impressive, very impressive..Always among the top five in exams. He was made a class prefect in Form Two. I suggested it, because he was bright, articulate and seemed to understand most out-of-the-ordinary issues most of his classmates wouldn’t.

He did a good job representing and administering the class at first, well because somewhere in second term of Form Two, the boy changed. He became chatty, defensive and his grades dropped. In fact at that time he only seemed to get mediocre grades, which had me concerned as he had lots of potential. I tried talking to him… nothing. Soon the other boys in the class started to complain that he was the biggest noise maker, and that he had become rude. He barely survived Form Two. (‘survived’ because he had not yet committed an offence to warrant a suspension or expulsion from school). At first I thought it was his young age, and that once in Form three he’d be all grown up and would start acting more maturely.

Dennis did not change while in Form three and we wanted to strip him of his class responsibility. I talked to him, and we gave him a second chance after he promised to change. But things got worse. That same week he was caught; having stolen money from his desk mate. He was given a two-week suspension, after which he came back to school with his mother. (I don’t know whether it’s by coincidence or design, but when kids are sent home because of indiscipline and have to come back with their parents, I can say that 90% come back with their mothers.. )I also don’t understand why the fathers stay away, is it because they are very busy or they want nothing to do with their misbehaving kid? It’s something I will need to address at a later post.

So after talking with the boy for quite sometime, (at first he didn’t want to open up), we realized that he stole the money from his friend to buy drugs. Can you believe that? The mother was shaken, she wouldn’t control her tears. She couldn’t believe that her little boy had started to take drugs. He opened up about lots of things his mother had no idea were going on. We grilled him again and again and again.. till he said exactly when he’d had his first puff of marijuana, when he sniffed cocaine and the first time he sipped alcohol.

It all started when his parents told him not to be traveling all the way to the coast where they stay, during school holidays. They instead instructed him to be staying with an uncle at a nearby town. It’s here – uncle’s home that he got into bad company and started taking drugs. That was an aha! moment for me.. I now could put a finger to the genesis of all this chattiness and defensiveness. Apparently, the uncle had a worker who used to take drugs, and it is he who introduced to his young nephew drug taking. We counseled him and talked also to the mother about the importance of staying with her growing kids. The boy stopped going to his uncle’s, stopped taking drugs and now in form four he is the best student in his class. He wants to be a lawyer later in life, and he will be.

My point is: -

1   Take every opportunity to know what your kid is up to. Whom are they hanging out with? Are they kids with good morals

2.      For heaven’s sake, if possible stay with them during the holidays, don’t leave them with relatives or friends for too long. If you have to, explain to the friend or relative what you normally expect of them (the kids), and that they should expect nothing less.

3.       When you’re with them, watch them closely. Watch out for any change in behavior, you don’t have to be dark-glassed FBI, but keep your eyes wide open

4.       Plan your kid’s holiday and weekends realistically, involve them, ask what they’d like, and make them explain their choices. Then you can cancel out, together with them what you think will not benefit them

5.         Tell them to bring their friends home.. for a play date maybe. Then you can approve or disapprove of their behaviour (kids do what their friends do)

6.       Discuss with them their dreams and aspirations. Be interested.

7.       Ask them how school was, what’s their favourite subject, teacher, and why..

8.       Don’t drink in their presence, don’t swear, even if some rude driver overlaps you, or the tout has refused to return your change

9.       Do not talk negatively of their teachers or other people in their presence. You want them to grow up respecting others..

10.   PRAY, and PLAY with them. You build their trust, they can call you friend, and friends tell all.

Just remember that what your kid becomes later in life, IT’S UP TO YOU, AS A PARENT.

Happy parenting…!!!